Driving
This post was from my first of four blogs that I have had. It was posted January 4, 2006.I got a notification from google that they are cleaning up and deleting blogs a while back. This blog only had 4 posts on it and I thought this post was worth saving and worth posting now since we are approaching Ryan's Birthday and his annual birthday fundraiser for Children's Tumor Foundation. The photos and the thoughts were before he lost his eye, before the brain surgery to remove his huge tumor, or any of the other surgeries and specialists we ended up seeing. So, here it is... From Michelle Marie's Musings and Random Thoughts Blog....
I love to drive. I really do. I volunteer to drive everywhere. The things I've learned from my kids, driving. We take these huge driving trips about every other summer. Just me and the kids. They are some of my most cherished memories. But, the thing I think I love most about driving, is the time to think. Sometimes it makes me cry. Last night was one of those times. I was driving home from Children's Hospital. Ryan had another eye dr. appointment. The news was not so good... again. The possibility of another genetic problem. I was contemplating the future, and thinking about this great kid, and why all of this is happening to him, and to us. I realized, that lately, Jeff has been the one spending time with him. Sure, I do the things I always do for him. Homework, activities, meals. But real time. I'm to busy. Busy starting a business. Busy cleaning the house. Busy doing the laundry. Then I realized that in many ways, I'm pushing him away. I am so scared of what may happen, if I don't get any closer, I won't get hurt as much. My biggest, most overwhelming fear, since I became a mother 33 plus years ago, is something happening to my kids. That something is happening. And I'm scared. Scared beyond belief. So I sat there driving, with tears streaming down my face, trying to hide the fact from Ryan, sitting in the back seat, and vowed to change. To spend more time with him. Real time. Time playing games. Time building legos. And not let my fears dictate my actions. It needs to be more about him and less about me. I sometimes forget, through all the Dr. appointments, and trying to do the best for him medically, that there is a real kid there listening to all that is happening. He probably doesn't understand a lot. And that's what the Doctors and I count on. But he does listen. And I'm sure he's scared too. A lot more than he lets on. He doesn't know how to put it into words, or understand why he feels the way he does sometimes. I need to conquer my fear and be there for him.
A final 2026 note: I would like to say I got better about being for him and spending real time with him, but not sure I did. As, my parents aged and I added taking care of them to the list of things to do, with all the rest. We are still driving to even more doctors appointments now, 20 years later. I do appreciate that car time more than ever because that's when the real conversations take place. There are no computers, work, school, house, laundry or the myriad of other things that take away from the important, or not so important, conversations. Love my boy. End NF.
THEY GIVE US THOSE NICE BRIGHT COLORS. THEY GIVE US THE GREENS OF SUMMERS. MAKES YOU THINK ALL THE WORLD'S A SUNNY DAY, OH YEAH. I GOT A NIKON CAMERA. I LOVE TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH..PAUL SIMON
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