Ten Things I Wish I Knew Before My Parents Moved and Passed Away

Over ten years ago, my dad fell, setting a whole set of domino type events in motion over the next few years. Selling their house, moving into an assistant living facility, and eventually moving in with me. Here are ten things I wish I knew 10 years ago.

1. Lists and Locations are important. Preferably on the computer, but typed or hand written works too. Lists of medicines, lists of investments, lists of favorite foods and allergies, lists of jewelry and special items, lists of who is in what photograph and why you kept the eyeglasses from1930. Then, the location of where all these things. Luckily, my parents were actually fairly good about this, so this was the easiest part.

2. Downsize over time or live minimally as you age. Edit, Edit, Edit! When you are together 50 plus years (and grew up in the depression era) you tend to collect a lot of things. A LOT. My parents health prohibited them from helping with the downsizing. Which left the editing to my sister and I. We rented and filled a huge dumpster and made countless trips to the goodwill before moving a great deal of their stuff to their new home and a great deal to my home to store. Be prepared that there are some things they will not want to part with. However, get the reasons (and the stories) why. I am organizing and editing now to hopefully save my kids the hassle and save my sanity. There will be organizing blog posts later!

3. Have a will. Even if there is not any property or a lot of investments. A will just spells out who you want as executor and what your wishes are. Sooner is always preferably than later for EVERYONE. Yes, you too! It can always be updated but makes things so much easier for those left behind. With online versions available now, there is no reason to wait. It also helps so that everything will not be held up in probate later.

4. Investments must have a list of several beneficiaries. Make sure they are updated! Somewhere along the line from the time my parents made their investments, to the time of their passing, the beneficiaries either were dropped (perhaps when switching from paper to digital) or were not added (perhaps overlooked by a financial planner) on a few. Creating a lot more work for the executor...me! Luckily, my mom passed first and my dad and I contacted all the investments in her name to update them making some things easier when he decided to join her in heaven.

5. Educate yourself on investments and taxes. Not only theirs but your own. Qualified. Non-qualified. Stocks. Annuities. Pensions. Social Security. 401K's. Probate. Taxable. Non-taxable. Federal Tax. State Tax. Inheritance Tax. So many women leave it to the men in their life and are not educated on investments or taxes. (So guilty here....raising my hand sheepishly.) My eyes would glaze over when any of these things came up. "I'm not a numbers person", I would cry! Well, as executor, I became a numbers person. Somewhat. Or, at least spending a lot of time with my wonderful financial planner Elizabeth, learning and trying my hardest. Not only for my parents estate but to be smart about what to do for my children in the future.

6. Last wishes - Medical. Do you know them? Do you have them? For not only your parents but yourself? Some of this can be spelled out in the will. The first time someone in a hospital said Advance Directives or Medical Power of Attorney (POA) to me, I looked at them blankly. Until, it unfortunately became part of my daily vocabulary. This spells out what you want to happen in case you are incapacitated and can not tell the medical personal your wishes. Do you want a feeding tube? Do you want to be intubated? Along, with many other things. Not only does it carry out your wishes, but it saves your family the agony of making decisions for you. Although, it can still be agonizing and painful. My father, whom I idolized, was in a position of needing a feeding tube. It was in his POA that he did not want one. Enforcing those last wishes was incredibly hard. Even though he was 90. Even though he was in poor health and rapidly declining. It was still heartbreaking.

7. Last wishes - Funerals. Cremation. Burial. Embalming. Service. No Service. Caskets. Cemeteries. Flowers. In lieu of flowers. Soooooo many large and small, expensive and inexpensive decisions to make after your loved one passes. Even the small ones are overwhelming when your grief is so new. Your funeral home will help. Ours friends at Ponderosa Funeral Home were wonderful. But still. If those decisions can be made beforehand, it makes it so much easier.

8. Caregivers and where to live. Assisted Living. Independent Living. Memory Care. Nursing Home. Home care (with paid caregivers that come in), Rehab Care. To me, they were all just "Old Folks Homes", until I needed to know the differences. Not only in level of care but in cost. This could be another whole post, but suffice it to say... Start to know the differences and know your loved ones wishes, as well as knowing the costs for some of them. Is you parent a veteran? A retired teacher? There are programs that can help with costs to certain places for veteran's. Also, many are rated by the state so that you know which are better and which have had problems in the past. ALL are expensive, but could make a world of difference for your parent.

9. Medical at Home Services. Home Health Care. Palliative Care. Hospice. So many Levels. So many options. Hospitals help a lot with this. But, if you are at least a bit familiar with the levels and what they offer if makes it so much easier.

10. Grief and self care. It can be worse and harder than you think. After my parents moved into an independent living facility and then eventually in with me, I had gotten used to seeing them weekly and then daily. My life was difficult at the time, as I was running my own photography business; taking care of special needs child with huge medical needs; running a household while trying to be a wife/mother; AND caring for the needs of my parents. Taking them to appointments, grocery shopping (thank god for grocery delivery) and making sure all their needs were met. To be honest, I did think several times it would be easier when they passed away. Until it happened. Now, I would give anything to have that crazy life back. I was surrounded by people who loved me, and made sure I got away and had some fun occasionally, but I was spread thin. I do think I was good about self care and my parents were amazing and so, so grateful for all that I did for them. However, in the end I still miss them every day. Make sure you have a good support system of friends, family and even a good therapist to help get you through it.